Ackbar aims for PM after losing to Alfred E Neumann!
The political world was thrown into a veritable turmoil yesterday by the unexpected announcement that, following his failure to become President, Admiral Ackbar is now aiming to become UK Prime Minister.
Ackbar lost the presidential race on the away goals rule to Mad magazine supremo Alfred E Neumann, a result which Ackbar supporters were angered by.
The election saw the biggest turnout of any US election to date. A whopping 51% of Americans turned out to firmly declare their view that they really couldn't care less who ran the country. This view point has been firmly endorsed by President elect Neumann.
Wiping this defeat from his mind, Ackbar now aims to become PM. Unfortunately, the same fate may await him in Britain. Some pundits fear that Ackbar's striking resemblance to Conservative Party leader William Hague may split their vote however, though in any case they are both expected to poll more votes than Charles Kennedy. Whoever he is."It should have gone to penalties," said a person we just made up.
"I don't care either. I intend to hang around the Oval Office eating potato chips. I only did this cos Dad said I had to get a proper job."
"Nobody in Britain cares who runs this country either," said a limey we just made up.
Stay posted for further developments. Or don't. We don't really care either.
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BOSS NASS announced as Ackbar running mate!
The political world was thrown into a veritable turmoil yesterday by the unexpected announcement that Boss Nass was running for Vice President on the Ackbar ticket. Up until now the blubbery Gungan has been seen as a political lightweight; an incomprehensible amphibian who was easily conned into letting his entire population be used as cannon fodder by lolita-Queen Amidala, Thatcherite leader of the decadent Naboo. His sole contribution to the desperate fight against the Sith lead Trade Federation was to sit on his fat ass shaking his enormous jowls and spitting on everybody, which caused many of his political detractors to pour scorn on his leadership skills. Uncannily, however, when faced with a similar situation presidential hopeful Admiral Ackbar adopted exactly the same strategy, and in each case both Nass and Ackbar won the day."It seems that if you want to win a war you've got to look bloody ridiculous and have a lisp to win," joked Ackbar and Nass's campaign organiser Zed Carrs at a press conference yesterday. "Seriously though, Boss Nass and the Admiral have long admired each others work and beliefs, and it was almost inevitable that the two would collaborate in this way. It's the most perfect political partnership since Bush-Quayle."
Some at the press conference remained sceptical however, and Zed Carrs looked decidedly uneasy when pushed on the forty year age gap between Nass and the youthful Jim-Jams Ackbar, and the plot contradictions their joint candidacy throws up.
"Plot contradictions?! Plot contradictions?! Have you people seen Godzilla? Huh? How about Independence Day or Wild Wild West or The Mummy? Huh? There's plenty of 'Wicky wicky wicky wah wah' plot inaccuracies in them, but do you people go on about them? Eh? Eh? I'll get bloody 'jiggy with it' in a minute I will..."
Zed Carrs was then lead from the room in a distressed state, mumbling something about "kicking Emmerich's butt".
Leonardo diCaprio to star as Admiral Ackbar in Episodes Two and Three!!
Controversy again hit the world of Lucasfilm yesterday, when internet guru Gary Coles announced on his filmic website, www.it-aint-half-hot-mum.com, that Leonardo diCaprio had been cast as midshipman Ackbar in Star Wars Episodes Two and Three. Lucasfilm refused to comment on the rumour, but film fans well remember that Gary Coles has been right before - namely in predicting that a CGI version of Ackbar would appear in Episode One. Ackbar, as can be seen in the below poster, appears in The Phantom Menace as a comedic foil to the pairing of Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson, though some have observed that the "patois" English "Jim-Jams" Ackbar speaks in the film is far from PC."Jim-Jams Ackbar's cod Welsh accent is offensive, racist and cliched," observed one narcissistic journalist on a slow news day. "We will bang on about this until we can find somebody else to moan about," he added.
Max Boyce, the voice of Jim-Jams Ackbar, was quick to dismiss such accusations. "Look you, it's all rubbish, isn't like boyo?" he retorted whilst munching on a leek.
Yet film fans remain worried that Leonardo diCaprio will fail to deliver the gravitas that the role of Ackbar obviously necessitates. British starlet Kate Winslet was quick to defend her Titanic co-star however:
"He's perfect for Ackbar. For as long as I've known him he has certainly reminded me of a wet fish, and, confidentially, he smells like a kipper too."
We once again asked George Lucas and Tim Rose about these rumours, and they once again called security and had us thrown out. Stay tuned to this page for more information as we get it.
Admiral Ackbar to star in Star Wars prequels
Yes, global citizens and supporters of the Admiral Ackbar for President on-line campaign, it is true - Admiral Ackbar is set to star in ALL THREE of the new Star Wars prequels. As the above OFFICIAL poster clearly shows, a new "youthful" Ackbar will feature alongside Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman in the upcoming Phantom Menace. This cgi created "youthful" Ackbar is clearly shown going through a troubled adolescence, the grumpy expression on his face being familiar to all mothers of fictional semi-aquatic mammals who are at that "difficult stage".Leaked fragments from the new script indicate that the sulky Ackbar will be seen befriending the young Anakin Skywalker. The two then become best friends, and spend inordinate amounts of time alone in their bedrooms using more Kleenex than is perhaps healthy and listening to types of music that are "unsuitable". Quin Gin Rummy will then attempt to take the young Anakin to the distant planet of Naboomboom to teach him the ways of the Jedi, but will be thwarted by Ackbar's own reluctance to be separated from his bosom buddy.
"It's not fair," mumbles Ackbar stamping his feet. "You never let me do anything I want to do".
In episode three Anakin will be turned to the darkside by Ackbar himself, who maliciously wills him NOT to take out the trash when his mother tells him. Thus the entire universe crumbles and the Galactic Empire is thrown into the turmoils of the Clone Wars, where blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
(Continued ad nauseum on every page on the internet)
Our film world spies interviewed both George Lucas and Tim Rose, creator of Ackbar, about the possibilities for Ackbar in the new film. They had the following to say...
"Who are you? What are you doing in my appartment? How did you get that key? Get out, God damn it, get out"
Tim Rose
"SECURITY!!!!"
George Lucas
National Headlines
Admiral
Ackbar Washes Up On Beach
Beloved commander will be missed
Santa Monica Beach, where Ackbar (inset) met his untimely demise.
SANTA MONICA, CA-The universe lost a great leader when legendary Rebel commander Joshua Ackbar was found washed up on Santa Monica Beach early Tuesday. According to police reports and the coroner's office, Admiral Ackbar had been in the water for as many as three days. "His body was greatly decomposed," said police sergeant Joe Michelob, "We realize that even when he was alive and kicking he looked like somewhat of a dung-heap. We took that into account and still came to this three-day-old conclusion."
"Josh was just a great guy to be around," said long-time friend and the executive that appointed Ackbar to command the now famous Battle of Endor, Mon Mothma. "He always had what looked to be a smile on his face and he never held back that weird laugh of his, even if it did sound like he was throwing up."
Admiral Ackbar led the Rebellion to victory in the Battle of Endor, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away according to some, however our records indicate that it took place around 1983. In perhaps the Rebels' greatest victory, he, along with Lando Calrissian led the way in the Millenium Falcon to destroy what was essentially the second Death Star. "Had I not been so excited, I probably never would've touched the bastard," Calrissian was quoted as saying shortly after the victory, "But the moment took over and I gave him a big hug. I got brown shit all over my pimp outfit too."
After the battle, Ackbar retired from the military and returned to his home in Santa Monica. He lived a lonely life thereafter, drinking much of his money away, until he finally hit rock bottom and was seen frequenting a homeless shelter. After a short while, even the fine people at the shelter got sick of his hideousness and refused to serve him any longer.
It is assumed that Ackbar had had enough and decided to end his life by plunging into the Pacific Ocean sometime last weekend. The last known contact he had with anyone was with Joseph "Scraggly Joe" Winchester, a homeless man who had befriended Ackbar. "We talked a lot about life, how it flushes you into the toilet and stuff. He seemed real depressed those last days. His last words to me occurred when I asked him about his state of affairs. He looked at me and simply yelled 'IT'S A TRAP!!!'"
Han Solo, who worked with Ackbar in the Battle of Endor will eulogize the commander. He is said to have great respect for the former admiral except for the fact that he "...spent a good week trying to get the slime off the seat of the Falcon."
Perhaps long-time acquaintance R2-D2 best summed up the feelings of all toward Admiral Joshua Ackbar when he said, "Beep beep, beepity beep beep, ooooo, oooo, beep beepy."